Living and Understanding

For so many time I kept trying to understand and control the way God was supposed to use me. I have told Him: “Speak to me now if you really want me to play for You”; “Encourage me if You really wish me to do this” or “Stop me from going there to play if that’s not in the center of your heart”. There’s no problem about giving up my will and making His will mine. Actually, that’s what we are supposed to do in our lives! But I still didn’t feel peaceful.

 The big deal here was that in my prayers there was fear. Fear that God would never use me at church to play for Him. Fear that I would be waiting for a very long time and then people would laugh of me. Fear that I had no gift at all. Suddenly, it came to me that “true love excludes all fear”. God is love. And what’s love? God. They are one, always tied together. That truth I could not deny and He made it stand fast and dwell in my heart.

It doesn’t matter how He is going to do and whether He is doing something in order to put me on to play for Him. I have given Jesus all my life, so how could I still be holding this important part? Besides that, my hope isn’t gone. On the opposite, it comes always for He’s faithful and for on every month He has showed me that He wants me there. Nothing is more beautiful than the way He gives me strength to keep going. Only to list some of the ways, God has used many friends, whether to teach me or to encourage me to keep learning, so that I could play better. People who spend 5 or maybe 20 minutes with me, just watching me play or even playing with me. People that overjoyed by the sound of my praise through the drums. Also, He has encouraged me many times when I was tired and thought that I would probably have no strength to play later on the same day. Like whispering on my ears or a hand on my back, pushing me forward, He would say: Just go. Then when I found myself with no choice rather than obeying Him, I would lay down my spirit to praise Him and my body would be full field with an incredible joy. 

It also occurred me that, for loving me so, God was pleased to put gifts into me. Gifs that may be hidden so deep down into my routine that I don’t even see. Though I have been desperately looking for them, I don’t want to see the gifts I want to have – I want to see the gifts God has freely and joyfully given me. I want His plan and His dreams. For in the end, what a joy would be to see the smile on His face.